Living with anxiety

I suffer from panic attacks and social anxiety. I don’t know why started having panic attacks exactly. And doctors always find it hard to diagnose the reason why but I have my own theories. I remember my first one, I must have been about 9/10 and I was in the bath when it happened, I didn’t know what was happening to me. I couldn’t catch my breath and I was distraught within seconds, so I started screaming and my mum had to get me out of the bath and calm me down. I’m pretty sure that the worst one I ever had, because I didn’t understand so it made it worse.

The way panic attacks work is that after having one you associate the place you’re in with danger so for a long time I was scared of being in the bath. But I got over it and I was fine. Then after getting into year 7 and not fitting in and being bullied, the panic attacks came back and I got social anxiety too. The panic attacks weren’t that bad but the social anxiety was extreme. It still is now and I’m 19 years old. The attacks I get now are a lot fewer and not as physical, but they still terrify me.

My anxiety affects me every day and I hide it as much as possible. Its very complicated and isn’t the same in every situation which means its hard for people to understand so people often get frustrated with me when I say I can do something in one situation but then I can in another. I come across as simply shy to most people, but with those close to me I’m as good as cured for the most part. And with people I don’t know I try and over compensate by speaking when I normally wouldn’t, but this backfires usually because afterwards I’m worry about what I said, what the person is thinking about me, do they like me, what if they’re judging, what if I said something wrong, literally a million things would be running through my head. And things like this happen every day.

I’m actually terrified of people I don’t know or people that intimidate me. I can’t talk to new people and I panic about new situations.  Even ordering food in restaurants or making phone calls. I feel like they’re judging me and I start to panic. Everything seems to panic and worry me, so I like to be organised so that something doesn’t go wrong and cause a panic attack. 

As much as I enjoy nights out, probably about 5 times out of 10 I have a panic attack, usually mild ones. I always have to lie and say I’m just hot so that I can get outside. I think what sets it of is being with new people, or in big groups and definitely when I see people I don’t like that were mean to me at school. I lose control. I get a sudden feeling of dread, the sudden urge to push my way through to the nearest exit, the whole room shrinking down around me and everybody staring at me and smothering me. So I usually to walk away and stand by myself to try and calm down. People think I’m being rude or unsociable but I can’t help it. I have to get away and I want to be alone, and the more people stay with me or follow me the worse it gets. I can usually handle it pretty well.

Over the past year I have improved massively. I’m completely happy with my life. I’ve gained confidence and I’m finding it slightly less terrifying meeting new people, but I still worry that they will judge me. I can now order food in front of my friends but I’m working on having confidence to that with my parents. It’s strange that I can’t say or do anything in front of them. I’m learning to say yes to new experiences and not be afraid of what might happen. But still every day is a struggle, and I keep on hiding it. Only my boyfriend and three close friends know about it, and my parents have a vague idea but they don’t understand it very well. 

This is me recently before a night out. Which turned out to be a panic attack free night!!

I don't mind if you have any questions. I will try my best to answer any if you do!